I returned home Tuesday after 8 days in upstate NY with my children, family and friends. Kofi stayed in NJ working and doing some home improvement. It was only a little over a week away, but so much changed in that short time.

Juniper is walking almost exclusively, eating mostly bite sized food instead of mashed, making word-like sounds and completely stopped nursing. The last one is the most stunning change for me.

He went from nursing 4 or 5 times a day to 2 times and then to not at all in a matter of 6 days. He just stopped wanting it. I’m not sure if it was all the activity with so many other people, or that he just started a new phase. Whatever it was, it was very abrupt and disorienting for me. One morning I sat down to nurse him and he just looked at it, looked at me and pushed it away. I tried a couple more times, but he would have none of it. Luckily we had plenty of organic milk in the fridge and his sippy cup for water.

I know I should feel relieved at my new found freedom. I’m no longer tied down by a feeding schedule or burdened with toting a pump and bottles around when away from him. There is some relief in there somewhere. There is mostly shock and sadness. I’m mourning his babyhood, I think. He seems more like a little man now instead of a baby. Wobbling, verbalizing and drinking from a cup, not snuggling up in my arms for a drink. My back will be happier for sure. Breastfeeding has taken a huge toll on my back over the years. Holding my children in one position while they drink for extended amounts of time has made me hunch even when I’m not holding them.

I’ll definitely need to increase the amount of exercise I do every week, since my free -all you can eat while breastfeeding- pass has now expired. My appetite definitely hasn’t changed, so I’m going to have to work out more if I don’t want to gain back a ton of weight. It’s going to take more than just 2 or 3 long walks a week to keep me slim. I’m thinking yoga and possibly some dance parties with the kids might work. Since Juni is walking, I may be running more than usual too.

Anyway, it’s been a crazy couple of weeks. I can see now that I really need to appreciate every little step along the way, because one day, everything just changes.

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