Writing is therapy, right? Well if there was ever a time for therapy, this is it.
I’m starting to feel a loss of control that is pretty frightening. My emotions are all over the place and there doesn’t seem to be any relief in sight. Is it being a stay at home mom? Is it the slow and steady build up of stress over finances over the past year? Is it hormones getting the best of me? It could be all of these things and more. It still doesn’t excuse the way I’ve been reacting to my everyday life. I’m incredibly frustrated when Kofi doesn’t help me quickly enough. What could be more important than helping your wife with a screaming child in her arms? I yell at and am constantly annoyed with our dog Rhodes. I feel like he is another child that needs to be cleaned up after who has no consideration for the other (sleeping) child in the house. Worst yet, I find myself loosing it on Miles for normal toddler behavior. I am not in control of my feelings and it’s starting to scare the bajeezes out of me.
Today I was angry at the world and took it out on Miles. He didn’t deserve it and I have such guilt over the way I yelled. Of course 2 minutes later he was running around making train sounds like usual, but I was sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing. How can this be me? I love my family and my home. I haven’t felt such mental distress since I was trying to breastfeed. Is it too late to call this postpartum depression? He is 17 months old after all. I know what my friends will say, take some time for yourself. I agree that it would be very helpful to have some me time right now, but it’s also very difficult to do. We don’t have money for daycare or even a babysitter and Kofi works full time (thank goodness). I was going to join a gym just to be able to use the nursery and get some exercise, but Kofi felt like it wouldn’t be financially prudent. It’s just Miles and me all day every day. We get out, but it’s still him and me where ever we go.
Because we are always together, I feel like he is bored with me. He makes the sign for Daddy all day long waiting for Kofi to come home from work. When he hears Kofi at the door he starts jumping around and getting all excited. I never see that reaction for me because we’re hardly ever apart. I know that this is normal, but it doesn’t make it any easier to take. It basically just accentuates the feeling that I am a bad mother. Why would he want to be around a crazy emotional wreck, when he can be around fun play buddy Daddy?
I know, this is what I signed on for. I just need to suck it up and do better. How can I expect to handle having another child in the future, if I can’t even deal with one? Kofi and I truly want more kids and this fear is not going to change that. I just know that something has to change before I can take on any more stress. How did my mother do it? Other than having a pediatrician that told her to use whisky for everything from ouchy gums to calming her own nerves. She had 7. Not 1, not 2 but 7 kids close together! She either screamed a lot and I don’t remember or she had the patience of a saint.
Dear Saint Valentine,
Please send me a bouquet of love and patience for Valentine’s Day.