The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,600 times in 2011. If it were a cable car, it would take about 27 trips to carry that many people.
For those that don’t know, I’m a classically trained vocalist that never took my singing to the professional level because I was too busy finding myself. Yow, that sentence kicks me in the gut a little, but the truth hurts sometimes. I had the talent (or so I was told), but never had the drive to make things happen. I was too young and too hungry for social interactions to get to my 8 am Music Theory class or practice my conducting assignments (p.s. I looked like an untrained monkey flapping its arms). Besides I was going to be a singer, not a teacher. So who cared, right? Well, my professors didn’t care if I was there or not, but my parents sure did. After my second year of mediocre grades and a slew of incompletes, they pulled the plug on my music school career. I continued taking vocal lessons for a year or so, but finally stopped all together due to lack of money and having no idea where I was going with it.
Over the years, through my twenties and my first marriage, I lost track of how much singing meant to me. I forgot how it made me feel and how it freed me up inside. Some people find it through exercise, talking or drugs. My freedom comes from singing. As loud as I can. Driving in the car, blasting whatever song I’m feeling at the moment. Windows rolled up, so it’s all I can hear. All I can feel. For a long time, that’s the only singing I did. Car, shower…yada yada yada. After meeting Kofi (second and last husband), the glimmer of hope shined on my little musical heart. Being a musician himself he encouraged me to record a few songs with him for my friend’s wedding gift and my mom’s birthday. It was…glorious. Standing in his small recording studio/bedroom, singing to his instrumentals was dream like. It felt so right. It made me feel closer to him and closer to myself. All that anger that I’d been holding on to from my first marriage started to fall away piece by piece. Oh we had such plans! We wanted to record an album of covers, then one of originals. A non-traditional Christmas album done our way. The dreams went on. They turned out to be just that, dreams. We put them off and off and off… then we had Miles. Yeah well it takes much more dedicated musicians than ourselves to get into the studio on a regular basis with a baby in the mix. So we let it slide indefinitely.
For some odd reason, now that we are on baby number two, the music has bullied its way back into my life. Thanks to a friend, I started singing with the Raritan Valley Community Chorus while I was pregnant with Juniper. I wasn’t really sure if I could continue after he was born, but here it is three and a half months later and I’m making it work. From there I was offered a spot in the Riverside Quartet as the new alto. A professional quartet! It’s not Broadway, but it’s filling me up inside.
Being a full-time stay at home mother can be (and is) overwhelming. The tears, tantrums and tribulations drain me like nothing ever has. I’m assured by my peers that my children are lovely and well-behaved (in public anyway), but that doesn’t make the tough days any easier to get through. Up until now, I was able to find some solace in quiet activities like cooking and crochet, but it wasn’t the cleansing that my spirit needed. I guess my voice needed to be heard again. It had been wasting it’s time on yelling, pleading and correcting and forgot how to be happy. It’s now slowly relearning how to be pretty again. It’ll take some time to get my voice back in shape, but I’m willing to put in the time. I need this.
A side note: After a particularly grueling rehearsal, I find my stomach muscles feeling tighter as if I’ve been doing some crunches. So, if I can get a flatter tummy out of singing too, what’s not to love?
When I first had Miles, I encountered the strongest feelings of happiness and love that I’d ever known. I felt like, here he is, my little companion in life. Within a month we had bonded tightly and even though I was in the throes of depression and angst from my struggle with breastfeeding, I still had a full heart. My life however, felt empty. The friends and people at work that I had come to rely on for socialization had all but disappeared from my life (some circumstantially and some by choice). Kofi and my family remained steadfast and my rock to cling to when the feeling of loneliness took over. It was the knowledge that everyone else in my circle had something else to do during the day and couldn’t just take a day off or even an hour away from work to entertain me that made me feel stranded. Of course I could go out with Miles and walk or shop or what have you, but it was still just this little non-verbal being and me. No real conversations or mature dialogue. You just can’t get that with an infant.
By the time Kofi got home at night, all I wanted to do was talk. Talk about ANYTHING. Sometimes I got what I needed from our conversations, sometimes I didn’t. Through no fault of his own, Kofi just couldn’t always be what was missing in my life. A girlfriend. Someone to talk silly fashion talk to. Someone that could really understand what I was feeling. I needed some estrogen in my life and there was none in sight! After a while things started to change and I was able to connect with some women that were new mothers and even further down the road, made some female friends that were not mothers. It took me what seems like forever to regain my life to a certain degree and to create a new social circle for myself. I have a few good female friends that are relatively local. I’ve started singing in a community choir and I’ve been able to revisit some hobbies that have always brought me happiness.
There is a fear that the new baby (due in 4 weeks) will again lead me into a dark cave of solitude, but hopefully if it does, I’ll be able to lead myself out fairly quickly. I know that I’m going to be exhausted and stressed out. I know that breastfeeding will consume my time again, not to mention trying to keep up with a 2 1/2-year-old at the same time. I know that it will be very easy to slip back into bad habits and forget the simple joys in life, like taking time for myself. But still, if I did it once I’m hopeful that I can do it again.
It’s come to my attention recently that stay at home mothers are not the only ones that suffer from feelings of isolation. A dear girlfriend of mine that is single has felt at times that because the majority of her close female friends are married with kids, she has been put on the back burner by the people she cares the most about. She feels that their families come first and she comes second, third or not at all. While she admits that of course family should come first, it doesn’t make her feel any less left out. We married parents sometimes feel like people should just deal with it if we cancel plans because little Timmy needs extra help with homework or someone at home has the sniffles. We take it for granted that a hip single gal will find something way more interesting to do with her time than hang out with the old boring couple anyway. Not always true and no matter what the circumstance, we all still have hurt feelings when plans are dropped without warning.
Yes, I decided to stay home and raise my kids for a multitude of reasons. I still find myself looking forward to the day when I can get back to work. I’m still the independent hard-working sassy pants I always was. Kids haven’t changed that in me. She decided to focus on a career and has worked hard to get where she is. Still, she finds herself looking forward to the day that she meets her settle down man and starts her own family. Being a hard-working sassy pants hasn’t changed that in her. In order to avoid the isolation from setting in, we need to recognize that we are all the same on a basic level and our need for contact with our sisters is real. What ever it is that we spend our days doing, we function better as woman when we can connect with each other when we need it the most.
I’ve got a beast of a cold. I thought it was getting better, but my annoying head cold that consisted of a stuffy/runny nose and watery eyes has now added a raspy cough to the mix. Yay me. Miles has the same cold, but his progressed much faster than mine. He went straight to the cough as soon as the stuffiness and runny nose came to town.
I’ve added a lot more vitamin C to our diets and been trying to limit our milk intake to try to cut down on the yucky gunk that has been taking over our bodies. Kofi has remained immune luckily. Everyone at his work is sick too. He says it sounds like a hospital in there. He’s hardly ever sick and when he is it only lasts a day or two. LUCKY!
So today I made some chicken broth from some bones that I had in the freezer and a pitcher of fresh lemonade. I figured some soup and some nice tasting liquids could only help matters. I tried to coax Miles out for a walk since it was going to be a warmer day today, but he really insisted that he wasn’t up to it. Poor guy. Tomorrow is suppose to be cold again, so probably no outing then either. All I can do is open a window now and then to try to get some fresh air into the joint and hope it clears out some of the germs. It doesn’t help that he keeps putting EVERYTHING in his mouth. If he didn’t already have all of his teeth I’d say he was teething. But he just keeps shoving toys in there and then I get to disinfect them all when he’s done with them. Again, yay me!
The pregnancy is going very well so far, a small bout of sciatica and a couple colds aside. Since this will most likely be my last, I’m trying my best to enjoy all of the ups and downs that come with being “with child”. I’ve only got two months and change to go. It’s hard to believe. It seems like I just took the pregnancy test not so long ago. Still no name picked out, but his room is starting to look like a babies room instead of the office/guest room that it has been since we moved in. Crib and changing table in place. Across from them, a dresser purchased from antique store. Glider, ready to glide. Pretty soon there is going to be another little person in the house.
It’s strange but I’m having a hard time remembering what it was like having a newborn to care for. I’m sure that it’ll all come back to me, but right now it’s a little scary to think about. Thank goodness Miles is able to do a lot of things for himself now. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have twins and trying to keep two babies fed, cleaned and sleeping at the same time. I know that I could handle it if I had to, but I’m glad that I don’t.
Before Miles was born, I had crocheted him a receiving blanket and hat. I had wanted to do the same for this baby, but I just haven’t been motivated enough to make it happen. I still have a couple of months to try to get it done. We’ll see. He may end up in all hand me downs and nothing new that’s just for him. I was the seventh child in my family, so I’m sure that I didn’t have any new things for a long time either. As a result, I started working when I was 14 so that I could buy the things that I wanted so I wouldn’t have to ask my parents for a lot. I learned financial responsibility from a young age because of it. Does that mean that hand me downs create kids/people better able handle their money? Maybe, but it probably means that I’m tired and sick and need to stop writing now.
That’s all from Sicky Magee.
Thinking that your child had entered the terrible twos and then realizing that those early tantrums were nothing compared to the hideous creature rearing it’s head at you now, is very disheartening. Kind of like thinking that you’re in active labor and then slowly realizing that those terrible pains were just the pre-show entertainment. Honestly, I’m just trying not to lose it on him most of the time. I feel like all I do is correct bad behavior and take things away all day long. From morning til night its a battle that rages on with no victor.
I don’t like myself very much right now and I’m pretty sure that no one else in this house does either. It’s harder at the moment because I’ve got pregnancy hormones coursing through my body making me even more unable to deal. Patience, which has never been my strong suit, is almost nonexistent. I’m thinking that Kofi and I need to sit down and make a game plan for making our way through this difficult phase in which Miles is hunkering down. What are the rules? Where are the lines that can’t be crossed? What deserves a time out, toys taken away, stern talking to or just walking away to let him cry it out on his own. And here’s where I loose points with a lot of people, but when is a spank appropriate? I believe in a spanking when the act is soooooo bad that a time out or harsh discussion just isn’t going to cut it. I was spanked when I was a kid, not often, but when I was reeallly out of line (like running into the fields with my sister when the combine harvester was working). I never did it again, that’s for sure. I don’t feel that I was abused in any way, but my mom got her point across loud and clear.
Miles is a very cleaver boy and he knows just what to do to get on my last nerve. Things like yelling, “NO!” and “I don’t want to!” about any little thing I ask him. Even if it’s something he really wants to do. He just wants to be obstinate right now about everything. It’s frustrating, but most of all, exhausting.
I know that my story is not unique in any way. Like most parents with toddlers, I just need to know that there will be an end to all of this power tug of war.
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As of yesterday, my destiny became clear. My lot in life is to be surrounded by hansom men. Oh the horror!
The second and hopefully last ultrasound of my pregnancy was yesterday morning and showed us that there is most definitely another little man growing inside of me to carry on the Bonner name. I was a little surprised because not only was I sure the baby was a girl, but everyone I came into contact with was sure as well. After seeing his tiny face in close up profile, I am in love. His nose, lips, forehead etc.. they are perfection. I’m also filled with relief over the fact that he is the appropriate size and weight for a baby at his stage of development and that all his major organs are in fine working order.
I fear that It may take us the entirety of the pregnancy to come up with a name, since we’ve had GIRL in mind all these months. Oh! He just kicked me!! I guess I’d better cut out all the girl talk. He must be a very sensitive boy. OK then, right… boys names. Really I’m at a loss. We used up all of our favorites on Miles. Miles Angelo Sebastian Bonner. Good names all of them. I’m sure that after dredging through the baby name books again, we’ll come up with something wonderful. I’d say that I’m open to suggestions, but then people tend to get all sad when you don’t totally love the name they suggest. I also won’t be sharing the name we finally choose until he’s born. I know it’s weird, but I feel like it’s creepy or bad luck or something to refer to the not yet born baby by its name. I have no idea where this phobia comes from, but there it is.
On the very positive side to having another son, Miles will have someone to talk and talk and talk to about cars, trains, trucks and the like other than me! Woohoo!!
So much has changed for us in just one year.
By us I mean humans. The earth cracked open and ruined the lives of so many. Some forever, some for the foreseeable future. The economy has slowly been crawling along trying to get back up that seemingly insurmountable hill. The electric car is trying again to get a foothold in the automobile industry at what seems like the perfect time. Everything from the printed word to cable/satellite TV is step by step becoming obsolete to the general public.
Is this what I pictured when I was a girl when I thought of the year 2011? Not exactly, but it’s not that far off. We are getting pretty Star Treky in our old age. We can scan bar codes in Best Buy and compare the price of the same item in other stores to see if we really are getting the best buy. We have an encyclopedia in our palm that is more complete and up to date than any volume of books could ever hope to be. True, we’re not driving hover crafts to the super market, but when you get there, you don’t have to interact with anyone if you really don’t want to. You can scan your own groceries, bag them and check out with a talking computer. If you are someone that hates frivolous small talk with strangers, it’s ideal. Personally, I’m not great at bagging, so unless I have just one or two items, I go to the regular checkout line.
I know that the changes didn’t happen all at once in just one year, but it kind of feels like it. Wasn’t it just a year ago that I started watching hulu on a regular basis to catch up on my favorite shows? We got rid of our cable TV years ago, but now I don’t have to wait for the next season to come out of DVD. The iphone/itouch has been around for a few years, but now it seems like the smart phone has taken over the world along with readers, pads and new apps that go beyond anything I might have thought possible. I mean the fact that you can test yourself for STD’s using your phone… it’s just… gah!
I kind of love how crazy amazing the world is becoming and kind of scared by it at the same time. But, that’s natural I guess. I remain a happy homemaker that cooks most of our meals from scratch and enjoys a good crochet-athon, but I can still dig on my techy husband and all the geeky things that I absorb from being around him and our friends. After all, technology is quite possibly the best way we have to preserve our earth and all it’s beauty. The electric car and e-books being exhibit A and B.
So 2011, what have you got for us? If I might, I’d like to request less tragedy and more wonderment. Please and thank you.
The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:
The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.
A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 2,900 times in 2010. That’s about 7 full 747s.
In 2010, there were 50 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 120 posts. There were 55 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 6mb. That’s about 1 pictures per week.
The busiest day of the year was January 6th with 141 views. The most popular post that day was Lost words.
The top referring sites in 2010 were facebook.com, twitter.com, touch.facebook.com, en.wordpress.com, and kiwimagonline.com.
Some visitors came searching, mostly for split peas, strong women, dried split peas, recipe exchange, and my baby naturally.
These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.
Lost words May 2009
3 comments
Split peas, yes please! January 2010
About February 2009
4 comments
My Creations March 2009
Beware of Greene Street Consignment! September 2009
2 comments
The terrible twos! Ahhhhhhh…
That’s what my life is feeling like today. I’m not managing my responses to Miles’ “NO!”s as well as I’d like at all. He’s slowly wearing me down to a stressed out little shell of a woman.
Kofi had band practice last night, so it has been just Miles and I since yesterday morning and we’re starting to not like each other very much. I’m tired of him “exerting his independence” and he’s tired of me not letting him. What happened to my Smoochie Pie that almost always did what he was suppose to, when he was suppose to? Why has he been replaced with this little task master that feels like he should be ordering me around and not listening to anything unless I threaten to punish him? Gahhh!
I know, I know this is normal. I thought I could escape it, that somehow my son would be different. Ha! Why would my child be different? He’s right on track with his development. I guess I should be happy. Sure, why not? Maybe this is all to teach me patience and love no matter what gets thrown at me. I just hope that we both survive this wonderful lesson relatively unscathed.
Hey, at least I’m writing again…
Yes, it’s been ridiculously long since I’ve written here or anywhere for that matter. Months. I’ve been working 2 days a week at the cancer center to fill in for someone on maternity leave. Somehow 2 days out of the house seems to make all the difference in the world. Good and bad. It’s nice to get away from the house and break the week up a little, but it seems to wreak havoc on my schedule and ability to do the things that I’m use to having the time to do. How does that happen? Two little days working in an office. I never would have thought it. I’m not cooking as much and when I do it’s pretty boring stuff. The house is looking pretty terrible, but that’s not really anything new if you know my housekeeping style. The worst part is that I haven’t made time for crocheting or writing which are the two activities that bring me the most joy other than my family.
The work is only temporary (I’ll be there through the middle of January). So, I’m looking forward to when I can be home again on a daily basis. I’m hoping that then I will be able to get back to my regularly scheduled life. Of course to blame a job that is only very part time is unfair. It’s really my stamina that is faltering. It happens from time to time and it happens much more frequently when I’ve got an excuse to let my laziness creep in and take over. Sometimes it’s getting hooked on a new show and needing to watch all the past episodes on dvd or hulu and neglecting my exercise or house work or what have you. Or, being tired from waking up with a sick son every night. My motivation takes a vacation and so do I.
So today I’m taking a few moments out of my hulu watching and facebook surfing to write a bit about how I’m feeling. Miles is just waking up from his nap, so this will be brief. Well, he’s calling me now, so even more brief than I thought. See you soon
