The relief of Kofi being hired on as a full-time permanent employee has slowly but surly morphed into distress at his never being home. We as a family unit feel the loss of our normal routine. We’re tired and annoyed at the situation that is out of our control. It’s been a very difficult week that is without end. Kofi has been working late every night and both weekend days. I feel badly for him and worse for myself. Why? Because it’s easier to feel your own pain, than someone else’s. Miles has been acting differently too. Either as a reflection of my own behavior or from missing Kofi. The long hours and weekends is supposedly a temporary thing because of a big project that is being rushed through. Hopefully, after a week or so from now, we can get back to our normal schedule. Fingers are crossed.
Last night after he got back from work, we were talking on the couch about what we as individuals were going through. At times it was cleansing and at others it was frustrating. I played the role of the typical house wife, feeling over worked and alone. He played the role of the over worked bread winner, who wants to come home to a relaxing happy home. Mostly, we voiced our concerns and tried to listened to each other. At one point I was complaining about something (I can’t remember what, but something that felt important at the time) and he said something like, “Well, there are people in the world that are starving to death or worse.”. I wanted to scream when he said that. I didn’t for 2 reasons. Number 1, Miles was asleep. Number 2, I had used that same argument on friends to snap them out of their self pity many times. Had I known how annoying it was to hear, I think I would have kept it to myself. Of course it’s true, there are millions of people that have it much worse than I do. Knowing that didn’t make me feel any better about what I was feeling at the time.
I am so happy that we are financially secure for now. We hoped for this for months. Now I just need to get past the feelings of isolation and loneliness. I have what I have wanted for years. A home with a man that I love and a healthy child. The next step is for me to take control of my life so that I can stop feeling like a victim of circumstance. I started reading a book that my sister in-law lent me called ‘The Energy Prescription’. It discusses the use of the energy that is all around us to maintain vitality and health through meditation, breathing and yoga positions. So far I’ve gotten through the meditation basics. It’s interesting and makes sense. We are all made up of and surrounded by energy, so we can either conduct it or “leak” it, as the book says. This is not a new concept to me, but remembering it and putting it to use is the challenge.