Monthly Archives: January 2010

Getting girlie

27 Wednesday Jan 2010

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Fairy princess alter ego.

I see myself as kind of a plain jane most of the time. I don’t worry about how I’m looking and concentrate more on comfort. Luckily Kofi is into that look. No makeup, no big hair or sparkly nails. Since Miles was born, I’ve done very little to pamper myself or feminize myself in any way. So yesterday when I took a good look in the mirror, I felt the strong desire to do some early spring cleaning. I didn’t exactly know what I was looking for, but I knew that I needed something to make me feel lighter and girlier.

I decided to take a walk at the mall with Miles, thinking that some exercise would make me feel less blah. I strolled aimlessly around the halls of the Bridgewater Commons, window shopping and avoiding the annoying nail buffers that jump out at you and say “Quick question for you!”. I truly hate the feeling of being accosted by pretty male or female strangers desperately trying to sell me something that I’m clearly not shopping for. If I was in the market for Rosetta Stone software for learning welsh, I would go to amazon.com or Borders. I wouldn’t go to the mall and ask a college student to tell me all about it. I digress.

In my wandering, I moseyed on in to Bloomingdales. I really only ever go into Bloomingdales for exercise or if they are having a crazy huge sale, since the majority of their stock is far above my means. I would never, ever walk into the entrance leading to the cosmetic section. I dislike the vultures at the cosmetic counters almost as much as the ones at the mall stands. But for some reason, there I was, walking voluntarily into the mouth of the beast. Insecurityville. A marketplace set up specifically to play on all of the doubts deep inside of every woman. The “why aren’t I pretty enough” department. As I stepped inside, I knew that what I wanted was something to make me feel less house wife and more… pampered princess. I gingerly crept over to the Bliss display and started searching through the names on the tubes and jars. I love Bliss products. They are gentle, mostly natural and not too stinky. I used the Bliss Naked Body Butter on my stomach and thighs when I was pregnant with Miles and it always made me feel wonderful and soft. So, there I was minding my own business and low and behold, I hear a “Can we help you find anything?”. This was from the woman standing behind the Clarins counter. My stomach dropped. I really did not want to have a conversation about why their skin care was the best. I just wanted to look at the bliss products, think about what I wanted the most, most likely buy nothing and go home. Instead, I said something about just looking for a natural product to get me out of my rut. She starts reeling me in by telling me that all of the products are botanical based and a few of the products even have organic ingredients. Normally I would say that I only use 100% natural and mostly organic stuff to get them to leave me alone. Very few skin care lines live up to my standards, so I just cut them off and move along. Yesterday I was feeling a little desperate and just listened and smiled. After regaling the tail of the founder of the company and how he started off with 6 essential oils for healing ailments and turned it in to the beauty giant it is today, she offered me a free 10 minute facial. Well folks, I said yes. Actually, I believe it was “yes PLEASE”. First the cleanser that sucks the toxins out of your pours. Then the toner. Next the exfoliating mask. Followed by the lotus oil under another purifying mask. Then a light day creme and finally the sunscreen. Oh yeah, I forgot about the hand massage while we waited for one of the masks to dry or set in or whatever.

By the end of it, I was in love with her and would have bought her dinner if it was somehow appropriate to do so. Miles sat in his stroller the whole time playing with the Little Brown Bag she had given him at the beginning of the facial. It was fantastic and I did feel lighter and girlier when it was all over. Besides the feeling of having too much gunk on my face, it really was wonderful to have someone put all of their attention on me for a few minutes and help me to relax. I’m thinking of going back next week, only this time to the Aveda store and see if I can conjure up another free facial.

When I got home, I didn’t want it to end. So, when Kofi returned from work, I told him that I wanted to take a long bath. I asked him to take Miles duty and let me continue the pampering. I was able to take a nice, hot lavender bubble bath complete with mango sugar scrub. It smelled so delicious. I NEED to do this more often. I know that a mud mask and a sugar scrub doesn’t really make me more feminine, but it lowers my stress level and helps me to remember to breathe.

Less drama, more soup.

25 Monday Jan 2010

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I really do try to stay away from the drama. Honest! Strangely it seems that it’s all around me lately and it’s difficult to ignore. Nothing that’s going on has anything to do with me personally, but everything to do with people that I care about. Name calling, hurtful lies and secrets seem to becoming more common place lately and I really don’t like it. There have been injured psyches of the innocent and injured flesh by gun shots all in just one weekend. I feel like I’m watching an episode of Jerry Springer (or whatever the trashy TV show is now), and I know all of the guests on stage. I don’t like it one little bitty bit. I would love to rant about all the specifics, but that lacks class. Therefore, I’m going to try to push all of the dramatics aside and write about something that makes me feel good, not like taking a shower with Ajax.

I love soup! Soup is awesomely soothing and warming especially on rainy days like today. I’ve been indulging my need for comfort foods for the last couple of days with rich, savory, creamy soups. Drool.

Kofi made us some amazing exotic mushroom soup on Saturday night. We all loved it, including Miles. He seems to like everything lately, YAY! I just finished the last of it today for lunch. It was even better as leftovers.

Yesterday I made a roasted, curried butternut squash soup with red lentils. It was sweet and savory with just enough spice. For the first time in a couple of months, I haven’t been freezing at night while Kofi and I are sitting on the couch watching dvds. The soup warms me up and stays with me.

I saved the veggie scraps after making the weekly salad as usual and froze them for future soup stock. Thanks to my parents, I learned a long time ago that everything can be used and nothing is garbage. I don’t buy canned soups anymore since I learned that something like 70% of the cans used in the US contain BPA. I just can’t jive with that. We’ve gone out of our way to make sure that Mile’s toys, bottles and sippy cups were BPA free. Why would I serve him up a bowl of it? Besides, homemade always tastes better and has less salt and no preservatives. I shudder to think how many toxins I’ve poured into my own body over the years due to ignorance. I don’t want to make the same mistakes with Miles.


Gross, sodium facts I never wanted to know.

Now I’m just trying to decide what kind of soup I want to make next. Decisions, decisions…

Split peas, yes please!

21 Thursday Jan 2010

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Today I am making some delish split pea soup in my AWESOME slow cooker. It took me about 5 minutes to prepare and 6 hours later, the house smells so good. It was so simple, I can’t believe that I haven’t made it before today.

Step 1: put 2 cups of dried split peas in slow cooker
Step 2: chop 2 large carrots and add to peas
Step 3: add desired herbs and spices (garlic, salt, pepper, basil, cumin, red pepper flakes)
Step 4: add enough water to cover everything + 3 inches more
Step 5: turn AWESOME slow cooker to low

This is of course organic and vegetarian. I know most people like to have ham in their split pea soup, but I like it a little less porky myself. It’s cheap and really easy. So now I’ll see how Miles feels about one of my favorite soups. He hates peas, but it may be because of the tough skin. I don’t like to overcook vegetables, so they are often too hard for him to chew unless I puree them first. I’m hoping that his dinner will be an enjoyable one. Film at 11.

Blockity block block block

20 Wednesday Jan 2010

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I’m in the midst of a severe writer’s block. I know that there are many, many topics that I could be writing about today, but nothing is ready to be written. Personal, political and parenting thoughts are flitting around in my head and none of them seem to be able to stand still long enough for me to pin them down. I feel a little out of sorts, like maybe I need a vacation or something. It could be the time of year making me feel the need to get away. I mean a stay at home mother with a 16 month old son can hardly just pick up and and take off. That’s just not how it works in the real world.

One thing that I can mention here is that I’m kind of excited about my Etsy shop doing well this week. I’ve sold 3 items this week from my shop and one of the sales was to a total stranger. Up until now, all of my sales have been to relatives or friends. It has been nice feeling the support of my loved ones, but knowing that someone who doesn’t know me personally likes my stuff enough to buy it, is pretty darn cool. She had made one of my scarflettes a “favorite” item and when it was sold, she asked me to make her another one in a different color. For the first time I feel like I may really have a chance at making a go at this business.

OK, that’s it for today I think. It’s not much, but maybe it’ll be easier tomorrow to get some of those more frisky thoughts out.

Second guesses.

15 Friday Jan 2010

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Prince Charming

Being a stay at home mother is never easy, even on the weekends when daddy is home to help out. I feel like I spend most of my time second guessing myself and the decisions that I make when dealing with Miles. Sometimes I envy the moms that drop their kids off at daycare and get to go be sociable adults for 8 hours a day. So many questions run through my mind:

Is it weird that I still feed Miles most of the time, or should I just let him feed himself, even if the mess will be ridiculous to clean up?

Should I make more of an effort to get him involved in outside activities, even if most of them aren’t free?

Did I just punish him because I was mad, or because he really deserved to be punished?

Am I too hard on him when he’s not doing what I want him to do, or should I give him more space to explore his individuality?

Is he on the way to being a brat, or am I just too uptight about raising the perfect child?

I’m driving myself crazy trying to decide the best way to react to his behavior and I feel like I’m sending him mixed signals by being in a “good” mood one day and “bad” mood the next. I volunteered for the roll of full time mommy, no one pushed me into it. It’s what I’ve always wanted. The thing is, no one can really explain how hard it is to you before you take the leap.

Kofi is so easy going, even when he is reprimanding Miles for bad behavior. He never raises his voice, he just changes his tone. It doesn’t always work, but at least he doesn’t sound like a crazy person yelling at a 16 month old for throwing his cup. I wish that I had the emotional control that Kofi does. I’ve always been an easily unhinged person. I lose my temper so quickly and so unnecessarily. I don’t think that I’m a bad mother or that I’m abusive. I just want to try to be more even tempered in general.

Ooooohmmm…

Leaps and bounds

12 Tuesday Jan 2010

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Miles is changing by the second. Each day I am fascinated by all the new things that he learns and achieves. I remember when I thought it would take forever for him to roll over or just be comfortable on his stomach. He use to scream bloody murder when we’d try to give him some “tummy time” in his crib. Now he’s practically running around the house saying words, using sign language and feeding himself. It’s just unbelievable, you know? He has a sense of humor, problem solving skills and other aspects of a personality that I’m sure that I haven’t even noticed yet.

Tomorrow he will be 16 months old. On one hand I am so excited that he is learning to be his own entertainment and absorbing everything going on around him. On the other, I miss holding him in my arms and breast feeding him. The feeling that he was so dependent on me is gone now. Of course he still needs me for many things, but he’s so mobile now. The only time that I get to hold him during the day is when I’m reading him a story or I’m putting his shoes on him. Other than that, he’s pretty happy walking around exploring whatever room we are in at the time by himself.

His growing independence REALLY makes me want to have another baby. We were planning on trying for second child when Miles turned one. Then Kofi got laid off and that sent our plans down the toilet. Now I’m hoping to start trying in a couple of months, when Miles is 18 months old. We’ll see, you never know what life will throw at you. I’m hoping that it will throw me another beautiful baby.

What others see

08 Friday Jan 2010

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1921 mirror

Who are we? Are we an even mix of our parents? Are we the company we keep, or perhaps what we eat? Does anyone truly know anyone else? We can think we know someone inside and out, until one day they do or say something that completely changes our perception of who they are. Good or bad, we hold on to images of people we know or meet randomly in our lives. Good or bad, we hold onto images of ourselves. Sometimes we look into a mirror and see something very different form what everyone else sees in us.

I cant speak for men, but I know that most women go through phases of poor self image on a much more regular basis than we would like to admit. We look at our reflection and find all the flaws that we feel make us undesirable, unloveable or unnoticeable to the people around us. Whether it happens once a month or once a day, it’s destructive and abusive. On the other hand if we are having a great day and feeling attractive, smart and charismatic, are we being too full of ourselves? Doubt seems to creep in at every turn for many of us. Even my most gorgeous and confident female friends have days when they can’t stand the sight of themselves. Why do we doubt what others say about us. Why do we feel like a fraud when we receive a compliment from someone who loves us? Should we be more attentive to what others see or try not to care what anyone else thinks?

I recently asked my facebook friends to give a one word comment regarding what they see in me. I asked for honesty, not compliments. Although I didn’t receive as many responses as I’d hoped, the ones that I did get said a lot. One word describing me.

Crafty
Truehearted
Authentic
Gentle
Mother

For the most part I trust what these 5 people think of me to be true. They are all wonderful descriptive words and I feel proud that they are used to describe me. In my opinion though, there are many missing from the list. Some good and some bad. If I had to list the negative words that describe me…

Impatient
Temperamental
Obsessive
Average
Loud

Positive words would be…

Rational
Supportive
Nurturing
Playful

Who knows, perhaps if there had been more responses, some of these words would have been included. But, based on the words I did receive, I would say that people see as a quiet, loving, creative woman that is proud to be a stay at home mom. I’m glad for that. Perhaps I hide the negative aspects of my personality well away from the eyes and ears of others. Possibly they are only blown up in my mind because it is in my nature to see the negative first. Do the words of my friends make me feel like a fake? Not at all. I just think that maybe that is what they think of first and not the little things that seem so major to me.

After one of my recent blog posts (Fatty, fat, fat), a friend of mine commented that I needed to find a way to love myself. Feeding a negative self image was a sure way to lose who you really are. It woke me up a little and got me back on the right track. It’s easy to fall back into bad habits and much harder to correct them yourself. Why do we need positive reinforcement from others to see what is beautiful inside of us? Has the media done us all in, thinking that we need to look like the models on Shape magazine? Or, that we are failures because we haven’t accomplished as much as famous women that are 2 years younger than we are? It’s a shame, but I suppose that it is also life. We need to be stronger than the magazines and entertainment shows in order to be happy with ourselves. It is an uphill battle, sisters and brothers. I wish us all good luck.

Ugh…

07 Thursday Jan 2010

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Boy I tell ya, some days are just harder than others. I got everybody up early this morning, so that I could have Kofi drive me to pick up my car and it seems like it’s been all down hill from there. I was informed by Jim the mechanic that he did a repair instead of replacement on my exhaust system because a replacement would have cost about $1000. Thats great except that this repair is just a temporary fix. Maybe 6 months he said, then I’ll have to take it back and get another rusted out section repaired with new pipe. The big problem now is that as I was driving to the store after picking the car up, the same loud growling sound started up again. Not as bad as it was the first time, but it’s there. I haven’t had the desire to call him and tell him about the problem because the last time I dropped it off, he kept the car for 3 days. I hate being without transportation for even a day, let alone 3. I know he’s a good mechanic and a good guy, but I just don’t want to deal with it right now. I’ll call him this afternoon, but for now I’m dealing with the fact that Miles is exhausted, but refuses to take a nap. He never fights a nap when he’s really tired. I just don’t get it. I went back in and laid him down. I went in again and changed his diaper, thinking maybe he was uncomfortable. I rubbed his back and head. I sang. Still he cries, whines and whimpers. It’s almost lunch time now, so if he doesn’t fall asleep in the next few minutes, I’ll have to get him up and feed him. Maybe he’s teething, who knows. He hasn’t learned the sign for pain yet. He’s not chewing on his fingers or drooling a lot or any of the usual symptoms. Grrr…

Fresh Baked Yummm

06 Wednesday Jan 2010

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My father has been baking bread weekly for years. He uses a sour dough starter that dates back to the civil war and his bread is to die for because of it. How is he using sour dough that is over a century old? Sour dough starter can be dried and past down through generations and added to bread recipes for practically ever. My dad received his starter from an old family friend that had gotten it from a relative years before. It’s strong, pungent and very sour. He just uses a little each time so it’s not overwhelming. He adds to the liquid starter to keep it going year after year. It’s amazing that there are still bacteria and other yummy creatures that have been kickin’ it since Lincoln’s time. He once gave me some of the starter to try to bake my own bread, but sadly, I didn’t store it correctly and it grew mold rendering it useless.

I recently started baking my own bread, sans sour dough starter. First white, then wheat. Miles and I definitely prefer the wheat. Kofi says he prefers the white. Eh, to each his own I guess. To me the very best part of baking your own bread is the smell that fills the house for pretty much the whole day. Also, the chance to cut a hunk off the end while it’s still warm and slather it with butter that gets all melty mmm… what was I saying?

Knowing exactly what is in the bread that Miles is eating makes the process totally worth it. I hate reading labels and finding all the crap that companies put in seemingly nutritious food. It just makes more sense to me to make it myself, even if it means more time in the kitchen. The longest part of the process is letting the dough raise, which lets me do pretty much anything I want for 40 minutes to an hour and a half. I hope to get it down to a science so that I can bake a couple of loaves every week and not have to buy any at the store, like my parents. Good, organic bread is pretty expensive to buy and it doesn’t make your house smell all bready when you bring it home.

The recipe that I’ve been using is from the Naked Chef cookbook. It Makes 2 loaves of gorgeous, scrumptious bread. I’m still working on getting it just right. So far, I have had to add more water to the recipe than what it calls for each time. My father says that it may just be extra dry four or the lack of humidity in the air. I’m having fun with it though and Kofi is certainly enjoying being my guinea pig.

Sign of the times

05 Tuesday Jan 2010

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We’ve been using sign language with Miles for the past 6 months or so and it is finally starting to sink in with him. Also, he now has the dexterity in his fingers to really be able to communicate back. I had wondered if using sign language would impede his desire to start talking, but it seems that he is also starting to use more words now as well. We have a Baby Einstein dvd that he loves which teaches basic signs that babies would need on a daily basis. I enjoy watching it with him, because I’m learning too. When I was growing up, my best friend’s mother was deaf. I learned how to sign the alphabet and a couple of words, but not enough to really communicate well with her. I wish that there had been videos that were readily available to me back then. I think it would be wonderful for Miles if he could be fluent in sign language, so that he could speak with the hearing impaired someday. The confusing part for me is recognizing when he is signing or just being silly. I try to be attentive to him and watch for the signs, but it’s not always easy. This morning I was changing his diaper and handed him the ointment container to keep himself occupied. He started rubbing his chest in a circular motion, which means ‘Please’. However, since he was holding the ointment, I wasn’t sure if he was asking to have some vix rubbed on his chest or just saying ‘Please’ after the fact. So, I put a little vix on him and hoped that that was what he wanted.

We were taking our bath the other night and I started to really look at Miles in amazement. He’s growing so quickly and so wonderfully. I still can not believe that Kofi and I made this beautiful little creature and that he grew inside of me out of 2 minute cells. It brought tears to my eyes. Life is astounding sometimes, if you pay attention long enough.

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